Mommy Wars

I couldn't write a blog about motherhood without talking about "mommy wars."  I became familiar with this term (rather abruptly) when I became a mom.  Perhaps I had heard it when I was pregnant, but I didn't really have a sense of what it meant until after I had a baby.  What is this phenomenon?  Most people use the term to refer to the tension between two groups of moms: stay-at-home moms (SAHMs) and working moms.  I have come to learn that Mommy Wars is so much more than that, though.

Mommy wars is SAHMs vs. working moms, formula versus breastfeeding, daycare versus nannies, "no-cry" sleep solutions versus "Ferberizing" (or insert other parenting techniques here)...need I go on?  Pretty much anything about which parents have to make a decision in their role as parents sparks mommy wars all over the place.


Why do we need to criticize one another about one more thing?  Don't we spend enough time judging other women by their clothes, social status, level of education, size, shape, face, partner (or lack thereof), etc.?  Why can't we all just support one another?  In my opinion, it all stems from an urge to justify the choices that we make for ourselves (and our families).  We want to be the best parents we can be.  So, as parents, maybe we want to convince ourselves that everything we choose to do is the best thing for kids, in general.  To convince ourselves, maybe we have to convince everybody else too.  So, if what I'm doing is the "best" thing, that must mean that anything other people are doing differently is wrong. 

Societal pressures also play a major role.  In our "melting pot" of a society here in the U.S., there truly is no one "right" way.  That sounds great at first, but, rather than creating an environment in which all choices are supported, it feels more like there are many "right" ways and many "wrong" ways in the eyes of those around us.  Some people still believe in the more traditional family roles, in which mother stays home with the children and father goes out into the world to be the breadwinner.  There are others who believe that women absolutely should work, just as their partners do, and they may criticize mothers who choose to (or must, for whatever reason) stay home with their child or children.  It almost seems as though one cannot win. I should also comment that men are facing the same types of pressures/criticisms these days, and the same issues can apply whether we are talking about same-sex or opposite-sex couples with kids, though I won't delve into those issues in this blog entry.

When I initially returned to work after my scheduled maternity leave, I had a patient who asked me if I had children.  I try not to reveal too much about my personal life to my patients.  You don't want to be too closed off (we're all human, after all), but too much self-disclosure is never a good thing, for many reasons.  I told her I did, and she kept asking questions.  After she asked me how old my little one was, and I told her she was nearly 3 months old, she said "Wow, that's pretty young...to be away from her mom."  I felt like crying.  I just smiled and said "I know."  I don't think she meant to come across as judgmental (and, even if she had, her active mental illness would have excused any malicious intent, in my mind) but it about broke my heart.  I already felt broken emotionally when the long work hours took me away from my tiny baby so early on.  I had told myself "Lots of people go back to work.  It's fine. You need to work."  And, in truth, I did, and I do need to work.  Not just for financial reasons.  I don't feel that leaving my job at this time is an option.  I won't go into that further.  But I'll just say that all it took was one person reminding me of what I really felt inside to make my resolve crumble.  If I had felt defensive, instead of sad at that moment, perhaps I would have felt the need to explain to her why I could not be at home with my daughter at that moment.  After all, who would be taking care of her, as a patient, if I were?  Surely, she would understand.  Or maybe she wouldn't.  But I shouldn't have to explain. 

A few weeks later, I ended up taking extended leave from my job, not for that reason, but because of other things that were happening that actually made it very difficult (maybe impossible) for me to do my job, or at least do it safely.  In a way, I felt fortunate that I got to stay home with my daughter longer, though I have been wracked with guilt about taking more time away from work as well.  It seems I could not have avoided guilt, no matter what happened.  At work, I felt guilty for not being with my daughter.  When I took time away from work (especially since it was more than what's "typical" for other people in my field who have kids), I feel guilty about that too.  That guilt comes from feeling like there is something wrong with me if I'm not able to balance my family life and my job, as it seems so many others do.  No one said a negative word about it.  In fact, people were extremely supportive.  In my own head, though, I wondered if they were judging me for being...well, the word that comes to my mind is "weak."

In the end, it truly was my choice to take more time away from work. No one was forcing me to do it.  I know I made the right decision because I wasn't at 100% (or anywhere close), and I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I'd made mistakes at work as a result.  When you are dealing with patient care, you don't want to be really off your game, as I felt I was.  We are talking about the health and well-being of patients, who trust you, as a doctor, to care for them.  Right or not in a moral sense, I felt silently judged, even if it was just the voice in my head that was judging me.  That voice represented something that I had been taught, not something innate.  It was about societal expectations.

I'll never forget the conversation I had with a family member about this situation.  I think she was both trying to support my decision to return to work after this extended leave and also help relieve my guilt about having to take the extra time away from work.  For the record, she is a SAHM but has a J.D. and previously worked as an attorney.  She said "Some people say to me 'Why have all these degrees if you're just going to stay home with your kids?,' and I see their point, but at the same time I think 'Why have kids if I'm not going to be here to raise them myself?'"  She told me it's not about right or wrong.  You can work and not feel guilty about it.  You can have your career and kids too.  Or you can choose to stay home with your kids.  It's about what works for you and your family right now.  What works now may also change with time, and some may choose to stay home with their kids until they are a certain age and then start working or return to work.  I can't say I agree with everything this family member has ever said in the long time I've known her, but I think she was right on about this, and I continue to turn to her for support in my new role as a mom with a continuing career.

We make choices to do things differently from others we know because we know ourselves and what works for us, or sometimes we have life situations about which others aren't aware that force us to return to work or take more time away from work.  I think every parent should be applauded for the choices he or she makes.  It isn't just about work.  It's about all the little choices we make every day to try to keep ourselves and our families happy and healthy.  It's about standing by those choices in a society that seems to condemn you either way.  And sometimes you do feel like you have to "side" with one camp or the other to make yourself feel good about your choices.  But I believe we have to support each other to make it all more manageable for the parents out there.  Balancing family life and everything else that today's society demands of us is hard, and we heap guilt on ourselves enough as it is.  The last thing we need is someone else looking in from the outside and telling us what we're doing wrong. 

If the culture could be one of mutual support for different choices and different lifestyles, we could end mommy wars.  We could start to form the groundwork for a culture of women supporting women.  This includes women who don't have children too.  I won't even go into the issue of choosing to have children versus choosing not to (and, believe me, there is criticism on both sides of this as well).  It's not about having a "Kumbayah" moment. It's just about looking at the women around you and appreciating them for what they are and what they contribute to your life and to society.  To all the SAHMs out there, I appreciate and admire everything you do.  I feel the same about all the working moms I know, whether they work part-time or full-time.  To the women I know who don't have children yet but hope to, I'm here to welcome you to the world of motherhood if and when it happens.  To the women I know who don't have children and never will, I support your choice. We're really all in the same boat here.  We all have our own priorities.  I much prefer that women aren't pigeon-holed into a single role in a society anymore.  There are a lot of options available to us, and I support all those options.  That's really what freedom is all about, isn't it?